That Cockeyed, Cockamamie, Catawampus Smile: A short story about self-confidence

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It was only one of those sweet little fairy bulls. You just murdered him inappropriately with your multi-bullet device. You love those little fairy bulls. You feel just awful. You have waited around long enough. Dad's legendary car wash won't last forever, and the day isn't getting any younger. Looks like the centaur herd is out in full force today. You have to be careful about walking under them. There are extreme hazards involved, such as the threat of falling manure, or milk. There are the ruins you'll be making your way toward once you've got the uranium.

Still need to locate that enigmatic brobot. He's out there, somewhere. Just watching. You can feel it. Can't let your guard down for a second, or you'll get served like a dude on butler island. He's going to need a lot of work this time. Over the years, your dad has spent thousands of dollars on repairs. Oh well, how much more grounded can you get than you already are? You stick the poker down his neck hole and jam the head back on the spike as a temporary measure.

That looks somewhat more respectable you guess. Looks like the troublemaker's father is calling. You order dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use. He is eager to assist, and lifts the appliance with ease. Uh oh, Lil Seb's acting out again. His legs are getting fidgety and bothersome.

Better tell him to put the fridge down gently before he causes more damage. You've been climbing your echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since you were Nice going! The well traveled HAT shares in your glorious spoils.

How can these things be so fast on land??? It moves like some sort of giant frisky seal, that is very hungry and angry. You know from experience that bullets only make them hungrier and angrier, so there is nothing to do but run. Oh no, it's a hostile swarm of those little fairy bulls! They are probably pissed off about the one you killed earlier. They have come for revenge! The jig is so totally up. Nothing left to do but scurry your little legs to that box, snatch the mail and scram!

No, not kids! I mean these curtain dealies. I still need to set up, what, like another five of these rigs? God dammit. Oh, yeah. Those people. Aren't they all dead? Oh god, you're right! There are still a few characters I haven't killed yet. I almost forgot about them. I was planning on totally messing with them in the short window of time they're in the same universe as me! Hopefully it isn't too late. Let's see. They should be traveling near the speed of light across a distance of one yard, giving them about three nanoseconds before they crash through the other wall.

Which means I have about Who am I kidding. Maybe I'll just level up these kids before they go, and that's it. They've earned it after all, don't you think? All of your vitals go completely bonkers. You're embarrassed for us to even know what it is.

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It's that gaudy. Your battle stats predictably go haywire. Nobody should ever mess with you. Not even me. You don't get boondollars anymore. That shit is for babies now. You don't need to type through a chat client, or talk to a sprite, or traverse through a memory in a dream bubble, or wander around in an interactive game environment, or any of that stuff. You seriously never thought you would live to see this achievement unlocked. It almost feels like cheating. Like conversing in god mode. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain cloth.

Or anything taking place out here in the emerald shitty paintjob, for that matter. You both also get one of these. Now you can start flapping your traps with wild abandon at anyone you please. You are Jane Crocker again. And once again, you have woken up on the moon of Prospit, without any recollection of how you fell asleep. You think you were going outside to get the mail?

You can't remember. The moon is presently eclipsing Skaia. From your fanciful dream room atop your golden tower, you have seen many remarkable things in the clouds. Things which you cannot explain. But against all better judgment, you have a feeling that what you are fondly regarding could very well be some sort of miracle. Get this shit outta the way.

You're a busy bureaucrat. The clock is ticking, and time is dead kids. The moment rapidly approaches. You're gonna show these alabaster sons of bitches how a cold war is done. You can't wait to read it in their papers. Our Life is pathetic, blah blah blah. There'll be no mistaking it this time. No servant will discover the body and inform the queen that Prospit's remaining hero passed in her sleep, peacefully and mysteriously. When the clock strikes twelve, no one in this wretched kingdom will have any doubt who's calling the shots here.

You're gonna bring this whole goddamn ball down. You touch base with your administration's top powdermonkey, none other than Dersite bumbler extraordinaire, the Courtyard Droll. You ask if he's done rigging the tower to blow. He says you bet. You say good, over. But he mutters something over the radio you don't quite catch. You say what is it. He says oh nothing boss. You say out with it. He asks, isn't this cheating? Assassinating the heroes like this before the war's even really begun.

You say what do you care, just follow your orders. He says oh of course, no question, he just thought it was against the rules or something. You say it's all fair game now that the kingdom's under new management. The new boss ain't opposed to taking some shrewd tactical shortcuts. You like the cut of her jib.

He says he supposes he can't complain. Her policy toward elaborate hats seems to be as lenient as the old queen's. You say will you shut up about the hats. He says it's probably because she wears the most grand and luxurious fluffy hat he's ever seen. You say you don't think that's a hat. You think it's something called "hair. You say now quit all the yapping and following your damn orders. He says ok, but it still just feels wrong. You say what does. He says he doesn't know, just something about feeding that poor sleeping boy all those deadly peanuts just felt wrong.

You say you don't care if it felt like a fucking full body massage, just get those bombs ready to blow, over and out. Fed him what? He says the intelligence report he had said the kid wouldn't take well to peanuts. So he snuck in there with a whole bag of them. You know, like the kind from circuses.

He says he ate most of them because they were delicious, and as far as he knows, aren't poisonous to most everybody else. But he did save a few to get the job done, because he is a professional who always carries out his orders. It's not easy feeding a sleeping boy some peanuts, he says. He says he had to work extra hard to put them in his mouth and then use his hands to make his mouth chew up the nuts.

But mission accomplished nonetheless, he tells you. You should be pleased to know those nuts were super deadly! Though to be fair he doesn't know if he died from the poison, or just choked on a bunch of barely chewed peanut bits. You know what else is super deadly, you say? Sharp deadly knives you stick in people's soft torsos to make them bleed until they die. He doesn't have anything to say to that. You say forget it, what's done is done. The Prospitian heroes are dead, and that's all that matters. Just be ready to detonate at the appointed time.

He says roger that, but wonders if there are any more orders after that. He asks, what about the other two? The ones on our moon? And most importantly, is there any particular snack that is poisonous to them? You say forget about those two. They're much trickier to deal with. You've got the Dignitary working on it now.

You'll get a report from him soon when you return. You wouldn't have even bothered leaving in the first place, but you wanted to make the trip personally and stick it to all these self righteous, Skaia-bathing goody twoshoeses yourself. Hang on. Something's happening here. You gotta go. This can't be good. You better hit the road and blow this joint, before the dead broad does some sorta Lifey thing.

What the heck just happened? Now you remember. The mailbox was boobytrapped. But you survived somehow, and got knocked out. How did you get all the way over here? Dad seems just as dumbfounded as you are, and more than a little distraught. Did Lil' Seb whisk you away in the nick of time? Can that little bunny really move that fast? Where is he?? You suppose you should let dad know you're ok.

It's hard not to bask in it, if only for a few seconds. Just look at that aloof little bastard. He doesn't give a shit about anything, does he? You guess you should feel grateful toward him for saving your life, but you know he's just as likely to rescue you from an explosion as he is to randomly teleport you across town, forcing you to call your dad and ask for a ride home, while you spend all day standing in some random field in the pouring rain while you wait hours for your dad to come and pick you up after he gets lost because he plugged the wrong place into google maps.

Even if you were inclined to do that, he wouldn't respond to that name. You're pretty sure he doesn't have a name. You and your friends just call him the GCat for lack of anything else to call him. Everybody has opinions, but nobody can agree on a good name. You think he probably doesn't want a name. He's just a feisty stray who likes to meddle with your life, then vanish for weeks at a time.

Uh oh. Looks like the jig is up, yet again. That's what you want to know. You feel bad about leaving him in suspense for even a moment. Your gambit gets totally rocked by a guilty conscience. You get inside this instant, and march back up to your bedroom. Dad didn't say as much, but it's a safe bet you are now permagrounded for life. You hear a loud thump just outside your door. As long as you just got done paying the piper, you might as well get busy eating all this goddamn crow. Oh so much of the stuff has gathered on your plate.

She appears to be online now. It looks like she sent you the "hacked" file while you were away. You wonder what her deal was. It's always something with her. You again notice her game file, beckoning you to play. But she warned you not to until she gets back. You guess you could have sent the much less valuable copy and saved a lot of arguing. But what's done is done. There's more reading material sprinkled about, too. You've clearly got some time to kill before your bffsy gets back from her emergency.

Might as well do some casual reading. But there's nothing casual about hoisting even an abridged Sassacre's up to your lap, so forget that. But the articles are all a bit vapid, and in your view, somewhat demeaning to female gamers, and women in general. Speaking of bros, and the games they play You've read this a million times already. It's one of your favorite gifts. Another gander at it sure couldn't hurt. Later, about halfway through the book, rather than see the gag through to the bitter end, Strider began pasting over entire pages of original text with his own completely rewritten version of the story, while keeping all the chapter titles.

His revision is a tough, emotionally draining read. But it's cathartic, in all the worst ways possible. He tends to get carried away with his projects. You try to distract yourself with Strider's literature, but it's no use. Your curiosity is overwhelming. Lalonde could be gone for hours, for all you know. Surely there couldn't be any harm in just installing the file, could there? It doesn't even seem to install anything. It just runs a small application when you execute it. Looks like you're one keypress away from playing. Do you dare? You watch Di-Stri deploy some sort of mammoth instrument on to your balcony.

It's just as well he took over for Ro-Lal. She probably would have destroyed half your house with that thing in her condition. But on the bright side, you're sure RL would have enjoyed a good nicker with you over the notion of DS deploying his mammoth instrument. You wonder what she could possibly be up to? While you're at it, you also wonder what the deal is with this cagey treatment of their names.

Each of their full names has eleven characters, and you have been dancing around all but two. Maybe it's time you were formally introduced to the last two characters. One of the last two stands in her bedroom. It is a young lady! It took place almost three years ago, and on that date her placronym was engraved. It was engraved with eleven letters to be precise, nine of which you are already familiar with.

You figure it couldn't hurt to take a peek at the engraving. You've been dying to get the scoop on those last two mysterious characters. Thank you, cat who is probably Jaspers. The final two chromosomic symbols have been released from their fluffy, twitching prison.

Your name is ROXY. But you have good friends and many distractions to fill this VOID in your life. Roxy is not empowered to resurrect this crusty old gag template because all of the sudden "All of a sudden. We have absolutely GOT to peep the last two letters of this max chill dude's name on the devilfucking double!!! Thanks, pony who is presumably a tiny Maplehoof for some reason. The final two diluvial symbols have been unearthed from countless crushing ounces of slumbering pony.

Your name is DIRK. Guess what else is dope? Screw descriptors though, as if the shits you give ain't nil. Once again, you are grabbing the plush by the rump. You are in absolute command of your destiny. As long as you don't pick the two characters who are grayed-out, which is a universally understood UI convention for nonclickability. Also as long as both other available choices are finished being drawn.

We are passing out free will like cheap cigars. You are now Roxy. What were you up to again? You were floating somewhere in the nonlinear timestew of paradox space, and we were hoping to get a handle on the exact chronology of your situation.

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Perhaps your successive actions will oblige us? Yeah, you aren't really listening. You're going to do whatever the hell you want. It's powered by the most deadly sciences you know of. You keep a couple specibus allocations in your portfolio on standby. You try to stay as sharp as possible in unarmed combat, because you never know when you'll get ambushed.

It's dangerous out there. The biggest one has been around for as long as you remember, encased in that glass-like material. You've considered giving it a name, but it always struck you as a little morbid to name a dead cat. You keep them around to remind you of the perils of the inexact science, and also because they're weird looking and cute.

Your pet CAT doesn't really get along with other cats, and you don't want to upset him. She made an impossible fortune off of these books, considering how dark and inaccessibly written they are for young readers. More money than the U. Many suspected real life wytchkkrafts were involved, which is what some believed discouraged criminal investigation into the matter. The feds were afraid. And the Baroness, nervous.

God you hope that's all true. Some original edition cover art from one of the books. It features the androgynous young apprentice, Calmasis, who throughout the series plays the roles of antihero and chief antagonist. All twelve are killed but the Predicant Scholar himself, forcing a showdown.


The poster depicts the notorious chess match between Calmasis and Zazzerpan. Zazzerpan had a reputation for being unbeatable. He had never lost a match, even to the gods. But his apprentice was able to beat him in the wizard's duel by first becoming checkmated, and through some unprecedented enchantment, continuing to play beyond the death of the king. You love your mom's books and find them heavily inspiring, but you can't help but feel the work is exhaustingly heavy-handed at times. You kind of prefer to write more lighthearted things. Actually crack a joke now and then, you know? You named him after your favorite wizard from CotL.

He was just such an endearing, bumbling fellow, before he was murdered. Calmasis put an insidious curse on him, which caused him to go insane over several years. He began filling a book with all of his arcane knowledge, which was said to be limitless. The tome grew to monumental proportions, and became a virtually unreadable patchwork of impenetrable erudition.

When the young wizard finally caught up with him, he was a quaking, incoherent madman.

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  5. You just think it's a fitting name for him for some reason. The macabre demise notwithstanding, of course. You politely scoot Frigglish off the books. That a boy. Technically, only one of these books is yours, the writing journal. You're pretty secretive about your writing. Sometimes even you can hardly bear to read it. You are highly aware of the formidable writerly shadow cast over you, and can be critical to the point of embarrassment over your work. Just how drunk WERE you when you wrote this??? You don't think you'll be peeking at it soon. The other book is another point of embarrassment, for completely different reasons.

    This is Jake's private journal. But then you debated with yourself for weeks over whether to read it. When you finally took a peek, you were strangely relieved to find all this nonsense, instead of his private thoughts. But you still didn't have it in you to cop to the theft. You just agreed what a shame it was about his missing book. You have no idea what these letters mean. Some kind of code?

    You have no clue what was running through that kid's head. Not unlike always. It isn't a ray gun. Pretty much the only Crockertech you can bring yourself to use. It's just too handy not to. You just plug in the coordinates you want to nab something from, point it where you want to appearify, and shoot. It'll make that thing appearify right then and there, assuming no temporal conflicts. Piece of cake!

    Not Crocker brand cake though cause fuck that witch. That isn't a command! Excuse me, but you beg to differ. You poured that beautiful martini a little while ago, and you've been letting it gather cobwebs while you horse around with random shit in your room. What a crime. This is the wrong stock reaction. You will not stand for this outrageous misrepresentation of your beverage enjoyment. That's much better. As much as you enjoy an afternoon cocktail, you have to remember to pace yourself with these things.

    They're crazy strong, and tend to make you kinda sleepy. Oh my. How inviting does that soft plush pile look about now? Quite, you think. You like to ensconce yourself in this friendly heap when you play games. Gosh it looks soft. Your eyelids are getting heavy What the heck was that all about? Oh, hey there Frigglish. He greets you with a sly, conspiratorial purr, almost as if he was privy to what you dreamt. Which is impossible of course. Looks like some dude has been badgering you while you were asleep.

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    You push some buttons and mess with some knobby dealies, and get totally set to subject shit to the madrigogs. Yep, he's dead. Totally Sassacrushed. You just know that julep guzzling bastard is scrambling up his echeladder as we speak, chuckling to himself while he fills his pockets with ill-gotten boondollars. Go ahead, old man. Laugh it up. You guess you'll have to do something with the body now. Maybe a funeral? That sounds like the perfect way to say goodbye to an old friend.

    But the environment outside isn't particularly hospitable for a burial these days. It also sounds kind of depressing to host a funeral by yourself. It's probably best to just send him back to where he came from. Years ago, when you were exploring the lab, you found a machine somewhat similar to the ectobiology equipment. Bramantip fingertip multip ship kingship clerkship fellowship disfellowship relationship tertianship donship guardianship kinship captainship sonship township manship companionship wingmanship ropemanship upmanship workmanship lifemanship gamesmanship jockeyship ladyship judgeship foreship generalship mayorship hagship flagship hardship guardship friendship midship.

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    Pian Chian Kayan Transkeian Ciskeian cation carbocation styan anion oxyanion gorgoneion Uruguayan Paraguayan Chipewyan Hawaiian tiring-iron Ohian dandelion sea lion Thalian lion Lyon brandiron andiron gridiron fire-iron pryan prion trian hydrion zwitterion Orion pereion Zion Isaian malathion. Orvietan Satan melocoton cotton shotten whatten unforgotten gotten ungotten unbegotten only-begotten misbegotten misgotten rottan rotten Huntington Whittington Bedlington Remington Skevington Kensington Baralipton Brompton mercaptan hapten partan Spartan carton tartan tarten hearten enhearten dishearten kindergarten sauerbraten barton.

    Doulton dalton salten sultan melton swiften Sefton chieftain Titan tighten whiten heighten lighten enlighten slighten Hierosolymitan Crichton Triton frighten brighten embrighten righten glutton mutton begrutten push-button button unbutton Trouton outen Sowetan Getan jetton fletton Breton threaten. Tibetan paten patten pattern manhattan platen flatten latten slattern fatten harmattan ratton batten baton Saturn loghtan curtain encurtain uncurtain burton certain uncertain Pinkerton charlatan sphyrelaton automaton Sheraton neaten wheaten sweeten unsweeten wormeaten meeten Olivetan Cretan Eteocretan.

    Tappertitian hydrostatician mathematician arithmetician Titian dietitian optician partition equipartition quadripartition tripartition compartition repartition dialectician tactician syntactician practician dentition dedentition sentition antiscion petition competition repetition Kittitian politician theoretician mortician sortition beautician deglutition superstition statistician plastician mechanician inanition. Mauritian futurition theorician micturition parturition quiritian indorsation ratihabition inhibition prohibition redhibition bibition imbibition exhibition ambition overambition counterposition position opposition proposition postposition anteposition oviposition malposition composition decomposition imposition superimposition supposition presupposition deposition preposition apposition superposition interposition juxtaposition.

    Belorussian Borussian Laotian profession confession oppression suppression pression depression repression impression compression decompression recompression expression discretion indiscretion freshen refreshen aggression progression introgression retrogression ingression degression regression digression egression transgression possession prepossession assession supersession intercession procession cession. Cistercian abstersion inertion mersion emersion immersion submersion Walden inversion aversion perversion interversion controversion extraversion extroversion version introversion retroversion inversion conversion reconversion eversion anteversion reversion ambiversion diversion animadversion obversion subversion transversion desertion exertion inexertion coercion assertion insertion Capetian.

    Lutetian Svanetian Venetian Tahitian suppletion depletion repletion impletion completion incompletion deletion Demetian Helvetian Servetian Rhodesian accretion concretion decretion secretion Lucretian excretion Grecian Rhaetian Bichon Noetian Ossetian Laputian lilliputian locution illocution prolocution circumlocution elocution allocution perlocution interlocution. Feulgen tigon suggan augen tikinagun rolwagen wagon chiliagon flagon lagan lagen snapdragon flap-dragon dragon Pendragon Lycurgan decagon quindecagon dodecagon glucagon heptagon septagon martagon octagon pentagon nonagon Phenergan analogon tetragon suffragan paragon tarragon barragon tarbagan hexagon sexagon.

    Barbudan thysanopteran dipteran siphonapteran veteran cateran pogonophoran hexameron Lutheran cladoceran sporran Warren foreign apron patron matron quercitron citron custron Southron anuran Huron anomuran Honduran Andorran siren rhododendron pauldron cauldron decahedron dodecahedron cuboctahedron pentahedron chiliahedron rhombohedron heron. Karren marron covert-baron barren baron court-baron Aran arain cimarron megaron clachan spleuchan carbon radiocarbon hydrocarbon chlorofluorocarbon graben gibbon ribbon Columban Gumban ambon ebon turban rurban suburban urban interurban exurban Theban Lisbon Reuben scazon blazon deblazon emblazon.

    Valaisan brazen raisin liaison lozen gossan pasan Tarzan Kansan Arkansan citizen denizen endenizen benison wizen hisn malison mizzen orison prison unprison imprison furison grison disinherison disherison Spinozan lederhosen Mosan chosen dozen frozen unfrozen fausen dizen bedizen. Michelson Nielsen Stillson Wilson bolson telson Nelson keelson Josephson Tyson hyson Meissen vison Ferison bison Fresison Thomson jimson stemson Samson waveson moisten bemoisten Knudsen medicine Richardson cowson delicatessen Smith Wesson lessen lesson messan waitperson unperson foreperson person.

    Jane hain lane laen lain capellane plane plain quadruplane panplain convertiplane peneplain sesquiplane pediplane pediplain sailplane volplane triplane biplane terreplein monoplane aquaplane aeroplane hydroplane enplane emplane complain deplane explain stilpnomelane kraak porselein flane by-lane silane madeleine chatelaine. Felapton parton penton santon magneton molleton soliton mirliton graviton polariton positon exciton photon moton proton roton chiton niton trichophyton phyton triton rhyton craton peloton Tetragrammaton negaton sabaton hyperbaton piton Teton potamogeton muton futon mouton croucircton bouton.

    Lydian Basilidian ophidian solifidian nullifidian Numidian Gideon Gallovidian Dravidian Ovidian pridian Wilfridian microsporidian floridean Floridian meridian ex-meridian Collyridian viridian iridian enchiridion diploidion ascidian proboscidean Chalcidian Falcidian obsidian custodian collodion nickelodeon melodeon Vodian Rhodian Herodian Cambodian odeon.

    Salvadorean Labradorian Dorian Epidaurian Thermidorian Isidorian brimborion thorian archosaurian saurian Isaurian Osirian Parian riparian Tocharian Carian Icarian vicarian suburbicarian Madagascarian Euskarian libertarian celibatarian Sabbatarian Tartarean Tartarian strictarian sectarian tractarian parliamentarian sacramentarian Ontarian packetarian Trinitarian Binitarian planetarian. Homoousion heteroousian homoiousian Homoiousion menadione phenindione Tridione glutathione scun veldskoen remskoen eupione perlemoen shogun Irgun tuchun Wing Chun Tabun tsun Ohioan Papuan Ryukyuan gargantuan Smectymnuan Peguan leguan Nicaraguan triduan Paduan tourn Don Juan kameeldoorn Nauruan Priscoan.

    Martin baum marten sartin Benedictine pectin lectin avermectin ivermectin prolactin actin karyotin volutin diablotin serpentin Observantine quintain intine muntin fountain mill-mountain catamountain mountain Rocky Mountain plantain Plantin Dilantin lamantin diamantine humantin legantine precipitin kinetin ubiquitin mucoitin chondroitin bulletin. Methuen Bedouin shin washin stellacyanin anthocyanin cyanin plastocyanin haemocyanin agglutinin haemagglutinin glutenin sapogenin linen feminine unfeminine oryzenin artemisinin melatonin serotonin pelargonin chaperonin ronin daphnin kinin tachykinin bradykinin linin lignin run-in genin hecogenin rennin tannin Mec Vannin saponin.

    Ventolin santalin Ritalin monellin adrenalin banjolin met-enkephalin cephalin tourmaline chevaline mandolin gridelin amygdalin magdalen leprolin Tetralin lotaustralin trifluralin tropaeolin phaseollin phaseolin zibeline chamberlain synthalin Paxolin kylin blin hobgoblin goblin muslin maslin moulin violin Stroh violin Berlin fin. Finn coffin encoffin boffin laugh-in yellowfin tiffin olefin griffin biffin Josephine dystrophin porphin dauphin endorphin dolphin Risso's dolphin delphin elfin alfin puffin cuffin nuffin studmuffin ragamuffin muffin McGuffin chromaffin perfin argentaffin seraphin paraffin Mickey Finn oxathiin thyine waringin.

    Leghorn dawn omadhaun adorn prawn Dublin Bay prawn fraughan drawn withdrawn unwithdrawn undrawn brawn thrawn born bourn bawn dearborn inborn stillborn Osborne suborn unborn reborn misborn thorn buckthorn blackthorn hawthorn sorn wedeln buln-buln kiln vuln danaine. Similar word to make one hair stand on end. Similar word to make one's bed and lie it. Similar word to make one's bed and lie on it. Similar word to make one's blood run cold. Similar word to make one's hair stand end. Similar word to make one's hair stand on end. Similar word to make ones bed and lie on it.

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    Common Crossword Clues Starting with C

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